Why Did I Let You Go?
by Vains
Summary: After suddenly breaking his and Antonio's relationship, what will happen to the 2 of them now? Ongoing part of I Can Only Blame Myself T for a lot of swearing and yaoi Read and Review, you know you want to, and trust me I think the story is much better than the summary makes it seem (at least in my opinion)
1. Chapter 1

Been a while but I posed this because I was reading through my pm box and saw that I promised someone to post something else for this which really sucks of me because I didn't until now and I'm sorry

Disclaimer: I don't own any hetalia characters or else they would all over each other 24/7

* * *

It had been a couple of months since I broke it off with Antonio and it was the same amount of time I had without seeing him. I don't know why I left him; I can't even explain it to myself. I just did and for some time I thought that it was the right thing to do.

But these past few months and the fact that I was being bugged by my friends really got me thinking things through.

I came to the simple conclusion that I was just a horrible person. Simple truth.

I wanted to be with him so much that it ended up hurting us both, more him than me. Then after we finally end up together I leave him just like that, as if everything that we had together meant nothing. I left him without an explanation and ignored his very being after that.

I heard from our friends of how broken he was, it made me feel bad, but I didn't come to that conclusion because of that, no it was because of what happened after I hit remorse stage of the breakup.

* * *

_After 3 weeks of breaking up with the stupid Spanish man he had finally ceased his calling. _

_I put on a gay porn movie and played when I answered the phone making it seem like I was with someone else. At that he hung up the phone and never called back. I knew that he would believe something as ridiculous as that, he was just like that._

_I felt somewhat relieved and... something... else after a whole week of not having to hear the phone ring every five seconds. It made me feel free. I liked the feeling of being a free man again, without having to be harassed by that dick head all the time._

_I know I sound harsh and kind of a douche bag but what the hell can I do about it. The relationship wasn't gona work out from the start I knew that and still went after him, and for what? To end up in a halfhearted relationship with an idiot that wouldn't leave me the fuck alone._

_It's not that I think to highly of myself or something, it's just that I'm the type of person that likes their own space and he wasn't giving me that. Always stuck to me like a piece of gum it was suffocating. All he ever wanted was to hug always wanted to put his hands on me... but never that way at least not after that one time. After that the douche never touched me like that, ever. Not that I cared or anything, all that was already past me._

_I sighed as I walked towards the locker rooms at the bar I worked in. I had been in this job well... from the beginning, I just never mentioned it. How else was I supposed to pay for my wonderful apartment, well that and the fact that the landowner is my grandpa's wife. Or else there would be no way in hell that I would be able to pay for such a luxury. _

_I opened the door to find Francis the stupid damned frog pervert already changing in his perverted way of changing. _

_"Oh mon ami~ always with that horrible scowl on your cute little face. It must be quite tiring for you. That's why you should smile like me! It'll make you look sexy and very attractive..." He kept talking junk while spinning around half naked, while trying to touch another co-workers ass at the same time. I rolled my eyes and walked away from him not wanting to already have to punch him. I had to say that the stupid Frenchy made me angry, always talking about me and my face. Although his toned it down a lot for a while now. Usually he would try to sexually harass me none stop, but he doesn't do that anymore. He still bothers me but without all the touching like before. I was relieved, maybe it all came with the breaking up with the other one of the idiots and if it was I was thankful I did what I had done._

_I changed quickly wanting to go home as soon as possible so I could lie down and sleep the rest of the fucking night and day, since I had day off tomorrow and all._

_It was 2 in the morning and I was glad that my shift ended this early. Can't say so much about the French loser which takes the shift after moi. I don't think he cared though since after this time everything at the bar got so much wilder. More people showed up (owls), more friends and it was... annoying. I liked working during the day when not many people came in; I mean who would drink so early in the afternoon to get drunk, except for Gilbert. The only crazy mother fucker who would do something so insane. _

_I walked out of the locker room hearing some goodbyes from some of the people in there (specially the French head with "au revoir" shit that he said, fucking piss off). _

_I was about to leave through the back of the building, knowing that many of the people I knew where getting drunk in the front and I didn't want them to pull me in to the whole mess but then I remembered that I had parked right in the front because I was late and it took a while longer to get to the back parking lot. _

_I groaned while turning around heading the opposite direction. Down the narrow hallway i went, past the locker rooms and into the front of the building where the bar part of the restaurant/bar was at. Yeah it was a restaurant also, I just didn't think I had to say anything about it since I don't work for the restaurant part, which closed at around nine while the bar opened at even and kept going through the night until the early morning. _

_I pulled up my hoody over my head so it could hide most of my face at least so no one could see me, since I had already spotted a few of the wild ones I knew. They started off by drinking here then went to some pub and then somehow most of them end up in some cheap motel with some stranger or with one of their friends... yes, these are the kind of people I was forced to hang out with. Forced by my brother who as I think I've already told goes out with that German bastard, I dislike him not as much but close enough to how much I dislike the French douche. _

_"Lovi~ Over here fratello!" Damn damn damn it just had to be my brother, he recognized me even if I looked like some hobo on the street for 2 years. _

_I looked and didn't show any type of content, the opposite I scowled at him specially after seeing the potato man next to him. Even though the dumb ass didn't take his stupid grim off his face and still waved at me. BY the way no, my brother isn't one of those crazed drinkers that I was talking about it was the ones on the other side of the table. Gilbert a.k.a chicken boy and... great just my fucking luck. I know I take like half an hour to change but seriously it wasn't enough time for that bastard to have wasted himself like that. He was dead on the table fucking sleeping and murmuring shit about a stupid tomato to himself._

_Even though I reluctantly approached the table trying my hardest not to look at him._

_"What?" I asked through gritted teeth more at the fact that this was cutting into m sleeping time than anything else._

_"Ve~ don't be so mean fratello. I was going to ask if you were going to stay and have a drink with us." He looked at me with hopeful eyes, which I might add sickened me to the bone. I grimaced knowing that he knew what my answer was without me having to say it. He pouted and sat back down with his shoulders slumped._

_"Well, if you're going home would you mind taking that piece of work with you?" Germy said while pointing at the one person I didn't want to see. Even though I couldn't help but turn my head to were he was pointing too. The Spanish dumb ass was drooling on the table and giggling to himself about some nonsense._

_"What the hell happened to him?" I couldn't help but ask, I mean it wasn't possible that he was that drunk already._

_"We found him already half drunk in this bar and brought him here, him insisting on it." Bird poop said before chugging down a glass of beer._

_"So could you take him home?" Germy asked again, very serious if I may add._

_"Why the hell do I have to? You brought him you take him." Hell no I wasn't about to deal with that piece of work again, nope I had already gotten rid of him, I'm good._

_"Come on, you live close to him and you know exactly where he lives, what will it take you? It's not like his gona jump you or anything, there's nothing to be worried about." I shot a look at bird shit as he finished talking junk. Why the hell would that be one of my worries, the fuck is he gona do anything specially like that. Even though I couldn't avoid the blush that was spreading to my cheeks._

_"Fuck you bird shit." I growled while my blush became more evident on my face. Easiest was just to take him home and then never had to deal with this junk again, then I could call it even when they did that one favor for me._

_"Come on fratello do this as a favor, for meeee~" Feliciano after regaining all his stupidness looked at me with stupid puppy eyes thinking that it would actually work. I sighed to make it seem like he had one over me with his interpretation of a dying dog._

_"Whatever, you owe me for this dumbass." He smiled and nodded while what's his fuck face got out of the seat thing to give me space to take the other one out._

_I grabbed him trying as hard as I could to lift him up and pull him out. It was all the more difficult when he through all his damned weight on to me. Even though I managed to hold him up with one of his arms around my neck and my arm around his weight for support._

_I heard giggling coming from bird junk when I was about to start heading for the door. I ignored it knowing that if I turned around now that we would both fall on our asses and look like dumb fucks._

_As we walked toward the door and outside the building the piece of work (because I can't think of anything else to call him at the moment) giggled and murmured stuff to my ears. I know it wasn't on purposed I mean the bastard was sleeping but even so it made me want to drop him._

_We got to my car and with little work I was able to find my keys and unlock it to open the passenger door so he could sit. I know the smartest thing to do was to put him in the back but I was afraid that he might throw up and it was easier to prevent that if he sat in front with me._

_I opened the door and threw him inside so I could buckle his seat belt._

_As I got the seat belt thing and bent over to put it on the lock thing he goes and puts his arms around my waist pulling me close to him._

_"What the fuck! Get off me." I yelled pushing myself away from his iron grip. I thought that he was fucking sleeping, the fuck is wrong with him._

_"Oh~ te amo Bella" He cooed, holding on to me closer. I felt a wing of pain come from inside me when I heard that. He wasn't awake like I thought he was, he was dreaming about someone that he loved. It wasn't me, it was that girl Bella from a while back. _

_For some reason that made me angry, I didn't why, it just did. I was made that he could forger me so easily when I still... I still... _

_Even so it didn't take long for him to stop fucking harassing me and going out with someone else. Fucking asshole, I knew I had done right in leaving him._

_I pushed him off me again, this time succeeding in doing so, but managing not to wake him up._

_I huffed aggravated and something else, but I let it go not being able to put my finger on it. _

_I closed the door on his side, making sure none of his body parts were in the way so the door could get jammed or something._

_Once the door was closed I headed to the driver's side of the vehicle and sat in my own seat, put the key inside and turned on the car. _

_I backed out of the driveway making sure I didn't hit any idiot that came by and sped out into the road. _

_I tried to ignore his moaning the names that he kept calling out. Sometimes the name changed from a woman to a man but he never once said mine. He didn't even say my nickname... _

_The way he called out to them wasn't anything sexual and it didn't sound like he was having wet dreams or anything. He was just calling out to them like he was greeting them in that stupid way of his. Always with a smile on his face. Though there were times where that grin disappeared completely and it sounded like he was going to cry but in a matter of seconds he went back to that stupid grin of his. _

_I found it amazing that ability to be a complete moron even in your sleep._

_Even though there was still something that bothered me. Maybe the fact that I was paying so much attention to what he said or maybe that it was because I was waiting for him to call out to me._

_I know I'm aware of these feelings but I'm still in denial. I'm never going to accept the fact that it bothers me that he called out to that woman saying that he loved her. Or that it hurt to know that he already forgot about me and moved on. _

_Not like it actually mattered, he deserved to be with someone that loved him back, someone that could return his feelings and he could be happy with. _

_I sighed heavily noticing the tears that were forming in my eyes making them blurry. I rubbed them off quickly so I could look at the road again. _

_Mostly because I wasn't about to cry for it. There was no reason to do so. I left him because I didn't want to be with him. Not the other way around, so there was no reason to be feeling so... so lonely. No reason to feel hurt and cheated. _

_I'm horrible at lying to myself. _

_I know that and I still do even though. I do stupid things convincing myself that's all for the best then I make up some excuse/lie so I can keep that lie going, but obviously it gets to a point where I can't handle it anymore. And this lie... this has gotten to a point to where I can't control myself. _

_I knew from the beginning. That's why I didn't answer to him at all, didn't give him an explanation or anything. Even as I was yelling at him that last time didn't look at him in the eyes because I was afraid that my resolve would crumple. I figured all that, it's just the fact as to why I did it. Why the hell did I break up with him? _

_I still haven't been able to answer myself that question. I know I just did because I got tired._

_I parked in front of his house when we had finally gotten there, by then my mental storm was subsiding for a while until I got home and it destroyed me completely. _

_I mean he was right there next to me. The reason why I was about to blow a fuse. The reason why sleep was the last thing I could think of. _

_He was the person I loved and... I still do. He is also the person I hurt the most._

_Hah... I sound like an idiot. Like a fucking pussy. _

_Not like it mattered if I still wanting to be with him he loved someone else, he wouldn't forgive me either. Well knowing him he probably would._

_I took in a shaky breath and turned to look at him. I almost had a heart attack when I saw him those green orbs of his staring right at me, confused. _

_I panicked not knowing what to do, do I kick him out and call him a drunkard or... or... 'kiss him and tell him I love him' fuck no._

_He smiled softly and put his hand on my cheek, caressing it with his thumb. I almost burst into tears then but I resolved with the violent way instead, not that I did anything. I was immobilized when I looked into his sad green pasture eyes. It was like looking through a a green field of grass, it felt strange, dark even, like it was gloomy in his little den. _

_I know I sound cheesy but it's true. It made me not want to move, ever. I just wanted to look at his beautiful eyes and never look away._

_I knew how much I missed him and wanted to be with him but I couldn't ever tell that to him. _

_His hand caressed my cheek ever so softly and made me want to melt in his arms forever. Which is strange because I wasn't feeling that at all before, it was like as soon as I 'accepted' the fact that I still loved him everything just seemed to flow out naturally. I'm a sick little puppy._

_Even though I knew that we couldn't stay like this, I knew that he was just drunk and was probably doing this out of his drunken state. _

_I was finally able tare my eyes away from his push his hand away from my face. I knew that he must've been hurt or confused at the rejection, but I wasn't going to risk getting absorbed in him again and forgetting my new resolution to this whole mess. _

_Yeah, it was to forget about him and the fact that I love him. Came up with that one just now._

_I was glad he hadn't said anything yet, I was glad that he hadn't opened his stupid mouth to say _

_"Lovi" like he just did now and make me want to cry and wrap my arms around him like I was fighting to do right now._

_I opened the car door almost tearing it off as I tried to get out. I breathed in the cool night air trying to gain composure again and not fulfill to my desire to go back in there and do something I know we would regret. I closed the door behind me and leaned against the car. I felt like I needed a cigarette, which is funny because I don't even smoke. Even so I wanted to ease up on the tension that i was feeling in the pit of my stomach at the moment (no, it wasn't a boner). _

_I heard the car door open on his side. He stepped out and closed it in the same slow manner._

_I wished that I could just disappear and go home. I wished that I would've just refused to my brother's request and gone home to sleep._

_But no, I had to be here, in this type of situation. Which was awesome for me, I am so damn lucky._

_"Lovi... thank you..." He said in a low gruff voice. Maybe it was from the alcohol but he sounded different. His tone was more serious, it had lost all its bubbly aspect; more serious like. Not that it made me any less fucked up. _

_I mean he said fucking thank you after what had fucking done to him. And I knew it wasn't the alcohol talking because he sounded as sober as the got. _

_I sighed knowing I had lost all control and will, knowing I had given up the fight to and that fucking shit resolve I had just made up. There was no avoiding me not going after him now._

_"D-do you still keep your keys under the rug like before?" I asked still not turning around to face him, knowing that my face might look bright red from how my voice sounded. It was choked and sounded a bit... pleading. I know it's embarrassing for me too._

_After a few moments of not hearing anything I figured he had already left and wanted to turn around to see, but obviously I didn't afraid of if he wasn't there. That would make me look like an idiot, asking the air for keys._

_"Si" He finally said loud enough so I only I could hear. Not that anyone else was around._

_I blushed even deeper knowing at how horrible I was and knowing what would happen if I turned around, like was doing right now, and went to get those keys from under the carpet not in front of his door but the one under his patio chairs that he loved so much. _

_I did even though, avoiding his gaze the whole time, knowing that he was looking at me._

_Finally getting the keys i walked to the door where I inserted the keys in and turned the door handle to open the door. I felt his hang in mine before I could fully open the door. I hadn't even noticed when had come from behind me._

_"Lovi..." He whispered close enough that I could feel his warm breath on my ear, making it tickle and making me turn red (more than I was already) from the sudden closeness we had. "are you sure about this?" I sighed inwardly as it took every fiber of my being hold a moan from slipping through my mouth. His voice was seductive as he whispered the question in my ear and his body got closer to mine, close enough to feel his body heat burning my back (figuratively of course). It all felt so good, like... like my body was craving this for a while. _

_May be this was what I was missing for so long. This that I lied to myself saying that I didn't want. Being held by him, being kissed and touched... _

_I wanted to feel all this from him again, like the first time. _

_My body reacted in anticipation as my will slipped away from me. I hurried and pushed the door open pulling him inside with me. _

_I closed the door and pushed him against it, throwing my arms around him into a passionate kiss, which he answered back to just as aggressively. _

_He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me closer. He slipped his tongue in my mouth as I parted my lips and we fought for domination in this urgent war._

_He put his hands inside my shirt as a moan slipped through my lips and took over me. He turned us around pushing me against the wall and moving one of his legs between mine, pulling us closer together. _

_We finally parted lips to fill our lungs with that unnecessary air that we needed._

_He moved his lips from my jaw line down to my neck which I moved to give him more space._

_He pulled up my shirt with his hands and fondled my nipples, rubbing and twisting them. I felt like I was going crazy, everything felt good but it wasn't enough to fill my need of wanting to be closer._

_I untangled my arms from his neck and pushed him away. He looked at me confused and all I could give him was a pleading look as fervently took my shirt off._

_He knew exactly what I wanted and guided me towards his bedroom. He pushed me on his bed and took no time in unzipping my pants and pulling them off. I paid no attention to the smile that crept on his face as his saw the throbbing bulge on my boxers. I lifted myself from the bed and grabbed pulling him on top of me as I kissed him again._

_He pulled away and kissed his way down to my chest while his hand reached for the elastic part of my boxers, his hands teasing me._

_He sucked on my nipples and fondled the other one with his other hand._

_"Ah~ h-hurry up" I moaned digging my nails into his shoulders in exasperation. He chuckled but did as I wished slipping his hand inside my boxers, touching my hard on. He made a trail of kisses as he moved his lips lower. He tugged on my boxers from one side making them brush the tip of my dick. _

_"M-mm" I gasped as I felt the fabric of the boxers rub against my tip. He pulled them off fully, gripping my boner and handling it expertly (...)._

_"Ah-ah" My hips buckled under him. Every touch made me feel more aroused than I should have been. I had been missing this feeling of another person (that wasn't myself...) touching me this way._

_His lips were now on it kissing the tip and slowly engulfing it with the rest of his mouth. His mouth felt so hot as it bobbed up and down, with his tongue swirling around it making throb in protest._

_I felt that I was reaching my climax. His tongue was making me weaker and weaker, I couldn't hold out any longer._

_"Antonio, ah~ I'm cuming!" I moaned as I spurted juices from inside me in his mouth (god that's embarrassing). _

_He removed his mouth and moved up to face me, putting his lips up to me and making me drink the liquid in his mouth while some of it dripped to the side of my face not being able to swallow all of it fast enough. _

_He reached over to his night stand and opened it, still lip locking with me, and got something._

_He moved his lips to my neck and then next to my ear _

_"Lovi, can I?" I knew all to well what he was talking about in that gruff sexual tone of his._

_I nodded simply because I couldn't find my voice to say anything else._

_I heard the bottle pop open and squirt out the substance inside of it his hand moved down my body some of the cold substance touching my body as it moved, it made my body jerk at its cold touch._

_Before I knew it his fingers were already slipping inside me making me yelp at the cold lube._

_He went all the way in and took them back out slipping a second one in as went back in._

_"You're already hard. It seems that you haven't been touched in a while, it makes me glad to know this." He whispered in my ear with a seductive voice._

_"Sh-shut up and put it in already" I blushed and pulled him for a kiss while my ass tightened at feeling his third finger inside me. I groaned in the kiss at the burning pain coming from my anal as he thrust for the last time and took them out._

_He positioned himself between me spreading my legs wide enough for him. _

_He looked at me as if asking if I were ready, I nodded and felt his grips on my thighs tighter as leaned his body forward, putting himself inside me. _

_He hadn't even moved and I already felt like I wanted to cum. He felt so warm inside me, every part of me throbbed for his touch, I wanted to feel him as much as possible. _

_He started moving when I adjusted to the size, he grunted in pleasure as he moved out._

_"I-it's so tight, even after I put the fingers in, are you alright?" He looked at me, green orbs half lustful, half concerned. _

_"I-ah I'm fine, just hurry up and move, bastard" He smiled, unsure if it was true or not, but did as I said even though. He moved again slipping out and thrusting all the way inside._

_"A~ah" I couldn't help but yell half in pain and half in pleasure. He thrust again moving a little faster than before, as I lay there clawing my fingers into the blanket as a release to all the sensation coming from my lower region as the Spaniard thrust harder and faster than before. All I could do was let the tears fall from my eyes._

_He groaned lifting me up into a sitting position on him. He positioned his hands on each side of my butt and spread my cheeks wider apart as he lifted me up and pushed me back down all the way to the end. _

_I wrapped my arms around his neck for support and lifted myself with him, even as the tears flowed out of my eyes. _

_He kissed me on the lips and trailed down to my neck. I cocked my head to the side to give him more access to my neck. I felt like I was reaching my climax and by the sound of it, he was too. _

_"Lovi, can I?" I knew what he meant and it was embarrassing to say it out loud so I nodded giving the man permission to cum inside me. "You can cum on me too then." His breath hit my ear making it feel like it was burning while he nibbled on it. _

_I pressed my body closer to his and moaned as I we both came at the same time. _

_He let me go, so I could gently fall on the bed, him resting right next to me. _

_I turned to look at him as he was also looking into my eyes. _

_"Lovi," He said while caressing my cheek "Te amo, and I will always love you." I closed my eyes permitting a few tears to flow from my eyes as I put my hand on his and held on to it. _

_"I-I love you too." I said as kissed him passionately. He pulled me close for a hug and didn't let me go, making fall asleep to the sound of his heart beat on my ear. _

* * *

The more I thought about the fact that after I was with him for the second time, I left that same morning not talking to him after that. No matter how many calls or text messages he sent me I never responded to any of them. That was until 2 weeks ago when the phone calls and texts completely stopped again. This time I didn't even had to do anything. I was worried that he had suddenly stopped completely on his own will.

I know I'm an ass and you're probably wondering why I left him after I told him how I felt. But I came to the conclusion that I was just scared.

Yes, I was scared.

I thought that the more he went after me the more he would be interested in being with me. I thought that he would never get tired of me. Of course, at first I didn't think like this. It was after the first time we had sex. He never put his hands on me, not even if I was okay with it. Well not that I ever told him or asked him about, I just supposed that he got tired of me. I didn't want to get hurt so I decided to hurt him before he hurt me. I came up with that lame excuse for a resolve and shit just turned out even worse than before.

I know I'm still an ass. My suspicions were all ridiculous and I figured that out after I noticed that maybe I had completely lost him for good.

* * *

_I came to that conclusion 2 days ago at the restaurant. I was filling in for some person that got sick and had to go home early. It was around eight and, already I was feeling like I wanted to go home on a sick leave as well._

_They of course had to put in me in my least favorite job, serving customers as a waiter. Not only did I have to smile and act like I wanted to talk to them but I had to listen to their whinny little asses when bitches waned to stuff their faces with expensive shit that their partner's didn't want to buy for them. Then it was dealing with the idiots that came from the bar (especially woman) they were just all over, not only me but any waiter that was around. I figured why that person went home on a sick leave though._

_"Hey new table, your turn." Some person said as they walked by me and pointed to a couple sitting by the window._

_I grunted and stood up and walked towards their table. I stood in front of them trying to be as not as much of a jack ass as possible. _

_I froze when they looked at me, instantly knowing who they were. One because it was hard to forget the face of the guy you dated/slept with and the other one because she was the woman from that one time that was at his house way long ago and that he mentioned in his sleep that... one night..._

_I felt like fainting, maybe if I just froze and didn't say anything they would look past me as if I wasn't there. No, I'm not a pussy and if I did that they would look at me as if I was crazy, better thing to do was to just fake it. _

_I inwardly took in a deep breath and regained my composure trying to be as professional as possible. _

_"My name is Lovino and I will be serving you tonight (maybe), what would like to start with?" I missed a couple of my lines but I wanted to get this over and done with as soon as possible. I didn't even want to look at him, so I settled to looking at her most of the time. It may seem like I was flirting with her but I wasn't and she didn't seem too happy to see me either. She was looking at me angrily, maybe even hurt. I didn't know why, maybe... maybe he might've said something to her. _

_Or maybe she's mad because we had sex that one time and they were dating._

_"Yeah, you know what I want to start with, I want to start by putting my fist-"_

_"Hey, stop that." He said to her, while grabbing on to one of her hands. _

_Yeah, she definitely new about us. _

_"I'm sorry, excuse her." I turned to look at him, a little surprised at how cold he sounded. Not that I should be... He was looking at me with those serious green eyes again, this time they showed no emotion. He was looking at me as if I were a stranger, serious eyes with an apologetic smile to excuse his company._

_It... hurt... to see him looking at me that way, it felt like he had forgotten about me... no, like I never existed to begin with. _

_I wanted to cry, I wanted to leave, run away, or get hit by a car. I didn't care, as long as I wasn't here, anywhere would be fine._

_I just didn't want to have to deal with something like this; it hurt, specially being aware of how I felt and what I was doing. It was ridiculous of me to just burst into tears and run away like a child but I felt like that would've been the only option I had, if my boss wasn't boring his eyes to the back of my head. And I had to thank him for it; if it weren't for that I'm sure I would've just walked away._

_I took another deep breath inwardly and looked away from him to face her fucking angry expression._

_"I'm sorry __**ma'am **__if you would like I could get another waiter that suits your __**tastes**__ better." I forced a professional smile that seemed to tick her off more, especially since I basically called her old._

_"Haha, there's no need for you to go through such trouble, you can serve us, it doesn't matter, right" I couldn't help but feel a stinging pain come from my heart, when he finished. It felt like he was saying that I didn't matter to him anymore, that I wasn't worth his time. In the end all my fears were coming true._

_I didn't know how I managed to keep my composure after that, on the inside I felt like I was breaking into tiny pieces. _

_"I guess you're right, it doesn't matter who serves us, if they have people like you working for them." She spewed venom in her words as she spit them through bitchy mouth. Not like I gave a fuck what she thought, her words didn't reach me, especially since I felt like my whole being was sinking into the core of the earth at the moment. _

_"I, ah, I'm sorry you feel that way. I will come back when you have chosen what you would like to drink." Just as soon as I finished I had already turned around and tried with my very soul to not run, or fall or anything that would cause the tears to come out._

_I made it to the back of the restaurant and almost fell over as I ran to the bathroom. I walked in to one of the stalls and slammed it shut, not caring about the strange looks I got from other men. _

_I... couldn't do it any more... it only took less than two minutes to notice that I had lost him. Only one second to realize that they were together and that she was right about how much of an ass I was. If he treated me the same way she treated me I would expect no less. _

_And it hurt. It pained me to know that he was right there, just like last time, but this time he wanted no part of me. _

_I didn't let the tears fall, I knew that if they did I wouldn't be able to go back out there for some time. I knew that I would just walk out and go home and probably get my ass fired, not like that shit mattered at the time. _

_I took a few deep breaths calming myself down and opened the stall door. I walked over to one of the sinks and washed my hands splashing my face with some cold water. I looked in the mirror and tried to make myself look as normal as possible. I took the paper towel and dried myself off before walking back out._

_My boss was still giving me the eye and pointing to watch, telling me to hurry back to their tables. I took two cups and filed them with ice and water. I sighed one last time and walked over to their table, not with a scowl but I wasn't grinning either. _

_"Have you decided on what to drink yet?" I said as I set the cups down on the table. I was checking my voice as I talked to see if it sounded shaky, or something that could hint the fact that it was uncomfortable for me to be there. _

_"I'll have a glass of wine." He said not bothering to look at me, even though I wasn't looking at him, acting like I was too focused on what I was writing._

_"And for the (damn) lady?" I asked turning towards her. She was much easier to look at. It seemed that she wasn't angry anymore when she looked up at me and smiled. It sort of creeped me out, specially since she was so violent just minutes ago._

_"I'll have the same as him, thank you." She said it in a too sweet way, that made want to throw up. _

_I nodded and walked off to get their drinks. Truthfully, I don't know how I was going to last the rest of the night like this._

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click click...

Well that's only the first part in what I'm guessing is now a 2 part ending to this story. Well its only that because I got school tomorrow and I said that I wasn't going o bed until i finished this, and I like sleep so I decided to put this up, I will write the next part tomorrow or maybe the next day since I didn't go to school today and now have to stay after school tomorrow making up work I missed.

Well Review pweezzz :D


	2. Chapter 2

Well this is the second chapter FINALLY! The end of this romance? Hmmmmmm... maybe you'll have to read to find out! (though you probably already know)

Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia or any of its characters or else I would rule the world :D

R&R Pleaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaase (^_^)

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I knew that I wasn't going to be able to go on the whole night. I knew that at some point it was going to be unbearable to go on.

My heart ached, my hands were sweaty and I felt like at any moment I would pass out. My breathing was heavy and my head was spinning, the whole room was running around in circles in my head.

I felt sick to the core and I was glad, not glad that I was sick but that the only thing that kept me from puking or passing out was that I got to breathe the outside air. I was able to feel the cold breeze only my skin, even if they were cold, dirty and wet. I was glad that I would be able to finally walk away from what had happened in there, heavens knows that if I hadn't I would've gone into mental breakdown. I think that the worst isn't over yet though, specially since nothing was solved.

...

"Hey Lovino, foods ready, go give them to your favorite costumers." Some chef man said as he set the plates down on a counter for me to take. I placed them on the saucer thing that waiters use (forgot what its called) walked out the door towards my destination.

As soon as I looked over towards them, I noticed that he wasn't there. I was glad, I didn't have to see him until much later, I didn't have to receive another rude comment or jab to the gut (figuratively speaking) again from her comments. Not that I cared what she had to say about me, it was more the fact that whenever she said something corresponding to me and being a horrible person, his eyes would get a bit sad for a second and then go back to those hard rock, unknowing eyes that he wore. It made me realize the fact that he didn't completely forget about me, it made me hopeful, but that was a bad thing wasn't it?

A part of me wanted him to forget me, to move on, be with someone that deserved him, someone that wouldn't hurt him like I did. Then most of me was glad that he hadn't forgotten me, I was glad that he still felt for me even though I hurt him. I am a horrible person.

As I got to her table, I saw her patting her eyes with a napkin, she turned her head and looked at me with watery sad eyes.

Part of me felt bad for what ever had happened to her, but most of me smiled on the inside, why? I didn't know.

I set the plates down on the table, each meal corresponding to each person. I felt her looking at me as fixed the table, it irritated me making me blurt out something sort of rude. "What is it? Is there something that you would like to say?" I didn't mean to sound rude but I did, I mean it wasn't like I yelled it or anything, I sort of whispered it slash spoke in a moderate tone. "Would there be anything I could be of service of?" I repeated my question making it sound less irritated and more for the costumer. Whatever that may mean.

"You, you did this, it's your fault everything's going wrong." He voice sounded brittle, on the verge of breaking down. I straightened myself, giving her a questioning look even though I didn't really care what she had to say since all night she was basically damning me.

"Please do explain yourself." My voice sounded bored like I was timing her to speak. Proper protocol and the fact that I wanted to know what she would come up with this time to burn another hole through me.

"Don't act all smug thinking that you have him, you don't know what you're doing to him. He, Antonio is a good man and you don't deserve him. Not a person like you. All you've done is hurt him even from the beginning. From the start it was your fault he got hurt in that car accident, trying to save you. Then you hurt him again when you leave him without even saying a word, then again. All you do is hurt him, but still he... he can't or doesn't want to forget you. Even though, even though he has me right here next to him. I've loved him from the very beginning and still he prefers someone like you over me!" She began sobbing quietly by the end, even though everyone was watching us. My legs gave out and I slumped to the ground, not being able to carry the weight of my body any longer.

She was right, it was my fault when that car hit him, I was running away from him because I didn't want to be rejected. Then I left him after finally being together because I thought that he had gotten tired of me and I didn't want to have to deal with being the one hurt. Then I hurt him again because I was jealous thinking that he loved someone else, but then I leave him again. Like I was trying to confirm his love for me. As long as I know that he wanted me I was okay with him getting hurt. As long as I wasn't suffering I was okay.

She was right about absolutely everything and I knew that about myself, I just made excuses so I didn't have to think about it. Think about the fact that I was using him.

She made me realize what I put to the back of mind so I didn't have to think about it in seconds. Few seconds flat.

I looked up at her and she was looking down at me with a pleasured smile. She was enjoying looking at me as a complete mess. But of course she couldn't stop there, oh no that wasn't enough satisfaction at the fact that because of me she wasn't able to be with the person she loved.

She was out for revenge and she proved it when she grabbed the plate with pasta on her side of the table and poured it on my head. "Do you feel like the trash that you are now? How does it feel to having realized what a horrible person you are, doesn't feel so swell like you thought you would does it?" She was pouring the untouched glass of water as she said this. I looked down not being able to say anything, wanting to tell her how I feel but not being able to find the words. Only thing I could think of saying and manage to make coherent sounds of was an

"I'm sorry." I said it as quietly and clearly as I could possibly make it sound. Even though she heard it, I knew she had, since she burst out laughing (like an ass).

"You're sorry? You are sorry? Don't make me laugh." She yelled, no trace of humor in her voice. I could see from the side of my eye as she swung her arm ready to slap me, I didn't even brace myself not caring, knowing that I deserved it. Her hand about to connect with my face to leave red finger marks on it, never landed the blow. There was a hand that held her back from doing so.

"Bella stop this." He said as she pulled her hand away from his.

"But!" She began not having anything to say, something shut her up.

"Oh my! What happened?" It was my bosses voice that came up from behind me, he sounded fake surprised, acting like he didn't know what was going on. I knew him well enough that he wouldn't intervene in something like this until someone else did, he loved these kinds of dramas. I could already picture him in some dark corner watching the whole thing chewing his nails.

"I'm really sorry about what happened, I don't know what's going through her head." HE apologized to the boss. Even though at that point everything sounded so far away, It was like trying to listen to them from a glass door, their voices muffled.

All I knew was that I was being helped up and dragged away as, the boss and HIM exchanged apologies.

Everything was so... blurry, I couldn't see clearly no matter how many times I blinked, my eyes went back to a blur making everything that much more difficult.

"Hey, we're in the locker room, you should take those filthy clothes off so you could go home, mon ami." Heh, just my luck to have the Francis be the one to help me out in such a hopeless situation like that. " I saw what happened from the bar, are you alright?" His voice sounded distant but it was there and I knew that he was concerned.

Even so I couldn't do anything but stare at the ground. I didn't want to move, or let anyone see my tears I wanted to go home.

I felt like I could break at any point. I could only allow myself to break down in the confines of my apartment.

I took in a shaky breath and stood from the locker bench I was sitting on. I walked to my locker and grabbed my thing not bothering to change and walked out the locker room, ignoring the french mans protests and concerns.

I walked out through the back or what I thought was the back of the restaurant and opened the door.

...

The worst wasn't over.

I cleaned myself with my normal shirt I had in hand as I walked over to what seemed to be my car.

I rustled through pockets of the jeans I was holding to what seemed to be keys.

I walked to the drivers side of the door trying to open the car manually, dropping my keys in the process. I bent over to see if I could find them in the dark and tumbled over to the ground falling on my ass.

To anyone else I would look like some drunk bastard about to cause the deaf of some civilian on the street. And truthfully you could say that I was drunk, but without the affected of the drowning of sorrows. My sorrows were what my made me drunk, enough to want to drive home and not make it.

I leaned my back against my car door when I had finally found the missing keys. All my energy was gone, I wasn't able to move, no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't.

It felt as if all my energy was taken away by that simple apology, that didn't even do anything. I mean I knew that she wouldn't care no matter how many times I apologized to her. It didn't matter because she wasn't the person I was supposed to apologize to. He was the one that needed to know how I felt, he needed to know that used him. He needed to hate me.

I wanted him to hate me for being the worst person ever. I wanted him to push me away and tell me how much I disgusted him.

Maybe that's what I wanted from the beginning. Maybe it wasn't that I wanted to use him to feel secure but that I wanted to push him away to see if he did the same.

Because somewhere in my mind I still hadn't forgiven myself after causing his accident. Maybe somewhere in my mind I was angry that he didn't hate me or didn't want to be anywhere near me. I hated myself because I still blamed myself for it all.

I used all those excuses to push him away so I could punish myself, but I only ended up hurting him more than I hurt myself. Well maybe, maybe things did work out for the best and he hates me. Maybe now that he saw what a weak person I was he wouldn't want to be anywhere near me.

My eyes felt heavy and puffy from all my manly crying. I wanted to get up and drive home but the street floor felt very comfortable, it made me drift off into a dark gloomy dream.

...

I woke up, feeling unusually comfortable, well more comfortable then were I had last dozed off.

My eyelids felt heavy and hard to open. Even so I sat up and opened my eyes to find myself in my room. Even though it was dark there was always light that came in from the city lights that illuminated the place making it easy to see.

I looked around confused and noticed that the light in the hall outside my room door was on.

I got off the bed feeling very sluggish in my steps and getting a massive headache as soon as stood up. I felt like I had a hangover, but I didn't even drink... at least I thought... but then again I also thought I went to sleep on the restaurants parking lot but I was here so...

I reached the door and opened it slowly, closing it behind me as I walked out. I walked all the way to the living room, where the lights were off and no sign of anyone being there.

I walked to opposite way towards the kitchen where the lights were on and there was human presence. Unexpected human presence at that.

I stood frozen as the person turned their head to look at me.

I didn't know how I was supposed to react or say, my mind was completely blank as soon as I saw him there.

He looked at me confused for a moment then smiled gently, standing up from the chair he sat in.

"Lovino you're awake, are you feeling any better?" He looked at me concerned as if I seemed to be dying or something. Well, it wasn't like I wasn't having my own inner mini heart attack.

I wanted to answer to his questions, I just didn't know how. There were so many things I wanted to tell him, so many things I wanted to ask, I just didn't know how I was going to get them through to him, no, it was more like everything wanted to escape my mouth at the same time. I couldn't just find one thing to say.

The whole room was spinning and my head throbbed at everything that was going on in my head. I couldn't take the pressure of my own body, making me fall in my knees holding my head as if it were going to explode.

"Lovino, are you alright?" He ran to me kneeling down on one knee and holding me steady with his hands on my shoulders.

"W-why?" Was the only coherent word that I could manage to make a sound of. Of all the thing I wanted to say, of all the things that were running through my mind that was the best that I could come up with.

"What do you mean why? Why what?" He spoke softly tightening his grip on me so I wouldn't fall.

"Why... are you here?" I heard myself saying, not knowing if it was really me speaking or not.

"Francis called me here, telling me to give him a ride home." So he was the one that brought me here, I see.

"But..."

"The bastard stole my keys and left me here to take care of you I guess." He smiled answering my question before I could ask. That damn French man always making everything so complicated... but I guess I owe him one for bringing me home and having HIM come over.

"...Antonio... aren't you... angry at me?" I squeaked afraid of what the answer might be and of course I thought it was a stupid question, anyone would be angry. I didn't even know why he was here, he could've walked all the way back to his house, his done it before. I mean it's not that I didn't want him here or anything, it just bothered me how he wasn't angry. I'm not some type of masochist or anything but I deserve it if he hated me. Hell I would hate the person that would do something like that to me. But he, Antonio is just too good of a person, that's what makes him a dumbass, that's what I love about him.

He sighed and let go of me standing up as he did. "Well, I can't really be mad, it wasn't your fault or anything." He held his hand out for me to grab it "Come sit down with me at the table, we can talk there." I grabbed it as he finished talking to me and stood up slowly, trying not to get dizzy and fall.

We walked to the table and sat down across form each other. I looked down at the table, avoiding his gaze knowing that he knew that the incident from today wasn't what I was talking about.

"I'm not talking about what happened at the restaurant." I said even though I knew he knew.

"Yeah, I know, I wasn't answering to that." He said softly. He wasn't talking about the restaurant so then he was talking about...

"Why? Why aren't you mad at me? I mean after, after what happened and all."

"Well I do realize that I was too... clingy. I also realized that maybe the only reason you were with me was because you felt responsible of what happened. I can't be mad at the fact that you tried to be with me even if you felt nothing for me just to make me happy. I'm somewhat thankful for that." He muttered the last part softly.

"I-No that, that isn't true..."I yelled. "I never felt that way... the truth is, well I've always... l-loved you... not once did think that way." I finished even though I didn't feel like I had gotten my point through. It didn't feel like enough to say, after everything just these few words weren't enough to get my point through, I think.

"But if you loved me then..."

"I'm not sure of it myself... all I know for sure is that I regret ever leaving you. I regret making stupid excuses for myself and I regret hurting you... I-I'm sorry."  
Tears fell from my eyes as I spoke. I looked up at him as he looked away... he was looking away from me while clenching his fists.

I was surprised that wasn't the reaction I was expecting. Actually I didn't know what I was expecting, but I should've known that he would be mad. I couldn't blame him for it. I guess in my subconscious I was hoping that he would forgive me and we would be back together or something. I knew that it was wishful thinking but again I can't control my subconscious.

"So you... always felt the same way?" He finally spoke, he was looking down at me tears at the corners of his eyes.

I nodded not being able to say anything, maybe it was because I didn't know what to expect. He didn't sound angry but I couldn't say happy either.

I just didn't know what I was supposed to do. Say yes and jump into his arms? That wasn't going to happen, ever.

He fell to his knees in front of me and pulled me into a hug. It felt warm in his arms; comfortable. It felt like it was something I had been missing for a while. Something I've always wanted and took for granted.

I hugged him back, burying my face in his shoulder, breathing in the sweet scent of his shirt. It had been a long time since I had been with him like this, scratching that unintentionally intentional time.

He pulled back and looked at my face worried. "But... What can assure me that you won't leave me again?" I was stumped at the question. It was sudden but it was the obvious thing to ask. Just that I didn't know how I was going to answer. For some reason after all the thinking I had done, I was coming short on the oh so many answers I should have.

I mean I knew what i wanted to say i just didn't know how to say it.

I can't really tell him to trust me and to believe in me. After all I broke all of that...

"Antonio, I can't really tell you to believe in me and trust me after what I did but I know that I will never leave you again... I can't because, because... I love you more than anything else in the world and I realize that I can't live without you..." I said quietly. I hugged so couldn't see my face, since I knew I was blushing madly and because I wanted my feelings to seriously get through to him.

"I love you too." He whispered close to my ear as he hugged me back.

I blushed even more at the kiss that he planted on my neck and shivered at the touch.

"Damn bastard." I said when I heard him chuckling as he picked me up bridal style (damn him) and carried me away to my room.

"We're not done talking." He looked at me seriously and I nodded. He planted a kiss on my lips and closed the door to the dark bedroom.

All I knew was that I always wanted to be with him, no matter what._  
_

_**The End**  
_

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Okay you guys before you say anything I know I rushed the ending and I suck for it but its okay, you guys know what's gonna happen afterwards.

Anyway, I'm proud of myself for finishing this after like so very long.

But... yeah I know I'm no good wit first person and stuff so I'm going to from now on try to do it in third person and practice writing in first person so I can't get better at it.

If you guys have any suggestions or comments or absolutely anything at all even if you didn't like that story please **please **comment. I would very much appreciate it. I do this because I like sharing what goes on in my mind 24/7. It makes me happy when other people enjoy what I read and I also love it when I get feedback on how to make myself a better writer so i could really like it if you guys said something.

It only takes a few minutes. I don't care if you have an account or not, just knowing that you guys liked/disliked it makes my day.

Thanks and sorry for for my mental case thing just now... I haven't gotten anything lately so... yeah

Please review ^_^


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